1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for
six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Lower all shower heads to four and one-half
feet
off the deck.
5. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you
soap
down.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up
to
300 degrees.
7. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.
8. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water
during
the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
9. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on high.
10. Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for
proper noise level.
11. Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric
garden
tools, inspect them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with
your
lawn mower.
12. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure
the
wind carries the soot across and into your neighbor's house. Laugh at
him
when he curses you.
13. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors,
so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through
them.
14. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.
15. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you
go
to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
16. Make your family qualified to operate each appliance in your
house---dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
17. Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for
the
next two years.
18. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud
Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands
heave
out and trice up."
19. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a.m.
while she reads it to you.
20. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three
times a day, whether it needs it or not.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
22. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have
your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
23. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their
battle
stations.
24. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they
finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can
have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and
just
ask for hot dogs.
25. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
26. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly
sandwich on stale bread.
27. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At
the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back
yard
and uncoil the garden hose.
28. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
29. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of
the
stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an
hour
or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones
and
paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done
when
the weather is worst. January is a good time.
31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking
chair,
sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make
sure
to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
32. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and
lie under it to read books.
33. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
34. Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to
ensure the engine is properly "lit off".
35. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
minutes.
36. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per
pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
37. Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.
38. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front. (Clearly written
during dungaree days.)
39. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for
you
to leave your house before 3 PM.
40. Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world
travel".
41. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that
at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World
for
"liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney
World
has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and
it
will be another week before they can leave the house.
